The musings of ME:
SAH mother of 3 kids, spouse of a doctor-in-residency, caretaker and teacher of random children.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Guilt and Sadness

I still haven't blogged about my mother's passing.  I just can't do it.  I'm doing okay on a day-to-day basis.  I stay busy and get engrossed in life and don't really miss her till the kids go to bed, and I'm recapping the day in my mind and all my mixed feelings about my life and my family are coming to the forefront.  Things I would share with her.  And I can't. 

There are many people I could call and talk to.  And I do.  I have great, wonderful, amazing friends.  They have really been here for me when I need to vent or cry at 2 am or some such nonsense, but there just isn't anyone like your mom. 

In summary, I guess I just don't want to rehash the emotional week it was the week I had to write her obituary and pick out pictures for her memorial and read old letters I wrote her as a kid and find old love poems she and my dad wrote back and forth.  It just hurts.  It just makes it too real.

Meanwhile, I have come back to my life to find that although I thought I was keeping up with my responsibilities as a mom myself, I have done just that.  And only that.  In the time I have been preoccupied with MY mom, my children have continued to grow.  I feel as though I have missed the first 7 months of Ally's life.  I fed her, diapered her, rocked her, loved her, and all that, but I didn't SEE her or document her.  Now she has two teeth and she crawls and has this adorable personality and I have somehow missed how that came to be.  It makes me so sad.  I realized I have NO professional pictures of her.  Ever.  I have taken a few, and even took some that turned out passably professional, but monthly?  nope.  milestones?  nope.  And I can't get that time back.  I feel such immense guilt.  What will I say to her when she is older and asks about what she was like as a baby?  I may not remember much.  I was going through other stuff.  That is so not fair to Ally.  Especially for someone she won't even remember.  (Okay, that last thought really hurt me to type.)

And Sam.  His 3rd birthday is next week and I just don't have it in me to throw a party for him.  I'm still healing.  I'm still focusing on keeping my head above water.  But then I think about how I have thown two full-fledged parties for Jackson and have yet to throw anything other than a family party for Sam.  He wants a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse birthday party.  And I have been compiling a list of ideas, but the execution is just not happening.  I haven't sent out any invitations or anything.  Today is Friday and his birthday is next Tuesday.  Would it be totally horrible if I just did a little birthday cake on his birthday and then waited like 3 weeks for his actual party?  Until we get home from our annual family camping trip to Woody Woods and until his good friend gets home from vacation in mid-June?  I think I am going to.  Meanwhile, I may be able to scrape up some energy and motivation and stop this silly pity-party.

I'm not always sad.  Yesterday I felt her all day.  She kept telling me to call my sister over and over and I was doing other things, avoiding calling Meg because I have her daughter Ella, and so I have been talking to her a lot lately. I think she is getting sick of seeing my name on her phone.  Finally I got this overwhelming kick-in-the-pants heart swelling and I HAD to call Meg.  Turns out she had had a rough day yesterday and five minutes before I called, she had picked up mom's cancer blanket, took a deep breath, and said aloud, "I love you, Mom."  For the first time, she felt my Mom there with her and heard her say, "I love you, too, Meg."  Hearing that story made me cry.  She still watches over us.  She still wants us to look out for each other.  We are trying to. Wwe are all trying to keep it together. 

Mother's Day was hard.  A little.  Not as bad as I thought it would be.  Ben was really good to me, and did a lot for me all day.  Plus, he took me out last Friday to see a movie I have been wanting to see for some time.  That was fun.  We almost never get to go on dates just us anymore.  On actual Mother's Day, Sam had strep throat (and so did Ally and I, but we never had many symptoms), so we had to keep a close eye on him because Sat night he had spiked a fever of 103.5.  Ally sat up in her crib completely on her own for the first time and has been doing that ever since.  It was adorable to see her turn around and see me come in and break out in this huge smile with her little head up above the crib railing.  (But we will be moving that crib mattress down now...)  On a sidenote, just this week she also has been trying to crawl on her toes in down dog position.  She can't really move like that, so she just resembles a baby trying to do yoga.  It makes me giggle every time.

1 comment:

TheFamousStacie said...

Don't beat yourself up. I have little recollection of each of my children's first half year of life. I blame sleep deprivation. I don't remember Juliet's first steps. I don't remember anyone but Cougar's first words. I was just too tired. Soo much of it is gone from my brain never to return.

Nor did I throw anyone a birthday party this year. I had just had a baby and was just too tired! So tired.

They won't remember anything except that you loved them. You'll have a chance to make it up to them in the next few years.