The musings of ME:
SAH mother of 3 kids, spouse of a doctor-in-residency, caretaker and teacher of random children.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Bad Dream

Do you ever remember things that happened a long time ago and feel like they happened yesterday? And do they make you angry? Like a dream that felt so real that when you woke up the emotions carried over?

I'm struggling today. I don't know why, but things have been brought to the front of my mind today that I wish I could pretend happened to someone else.

Every day I am so happy and grateful for the blessings that I have in my life. That I probably don't deserve. But dang it!! I'm going to hold tight to them and work every day to BE deserving of them.

When these angry feelings get the better of me, I know they threaten my happiness and the happiness of my family and marriage. It is such a struggle to fight them off!

Like the dream, I tell myself it isn't relevant to my current reality, but nevertheless, my mind keeps floating back to the angry thoughts and I get re-angered.

Forgiveness is a daily battle, I'm convinced. I never knew that until I had to do it. I thought you could just snap your fingers and say ,"I forgive you," and that was it. All was restored to a peaceful balance. Not so. At least for me.

And you know what? It is totally Satan. And I know that. My Heavenly Father who loves me so much, and blesses me so much, wants me to be happy, and to let it go. And I want to.

So I'm going to fight the fight.

1 comment:

Jay said...

I'm sorry about the angry feelings that crop up and are real and so hard to see through, but so glad you're fighting them! You are so right about forgiveness. It really takes work, and prayer, and work and more prayer and lots of prayer, but what a gift forgiveness is when it comes.

Sending hugs to you.