Lost Book

I'm not sure if this is a testament to how much he LOOOVES books or a testament to the fact that he is his mother's son and MUST keep a strict routine, but tonight when it was time to go to bed, Jackson was trying to stall and ran away from me and hid in the kitchen. So I went upstairs and I waited and waited, and then I counted and nothing, so finally when I was going back down the stairs about to spank him, he came. I told him that since he was being silly and didn't come when I told him it was time for bed, we wouldn't have time for a book tonight. Oh.man. You would have thought someone died. As I type I can hear him in his room, kicking his feet and writhing around in his bed, sans monitor, SCREAMING bloody murder for a book. Is it strange that I feel both frustrated and proud at the same time? :)

Panic

Well, I'm officially starting to panic. First day of school was today and not only do I not have full enrollment, but I have 4 empty spots and only one child showed up for the first day of school. Everyone else decided to keep their kids until EMS-ISD starts next week. That means for this week I have lost more hundreds of dollars. I have gotten a few phonecalls and one tour, but nothing has panned out. I was even going to accept a child at 3am since his mother had a wierd work schedule just to get some kids in here, but then his mom changed her mind and her mom is going to keep him. What are we going to do!?

Also, I got a notice in the mail that our children's Medicaid is being cancelled because I didn't turn in some extra documentation that they requested, but I did, so I guess they didn't get it. We have insurance for Jack and Sam till Aug 31. I am freaking out here. I am doing every thing I know to do. I have fasted, searched the scriptures, going to church every week, trying to live righteously, having FHE by myself with my kids, praying, praying and more praying. NOthing like this has ever happened to me before when I was doing all the right things, and it seems like the hits just keep coming. Why!? I don't know what else to do. I'm trying to be faithful and in the meantime advertising like crazy and offering specials, etc, but nothing is working!!

This says it all...

Be not afraid of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep. And swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect and a new power. With an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

Found that quote today and I love it. It says what I believe about my own life and experiences. Just thought I'd share.

Samson, 15 months (almost)

Sam is so hilarious these days. He is such a little boy lately instead of a baby, and his vocabulary grows every day. For my own documentation (Because I still look back at my Jackson posts to compare), I wanted to record some of the new things he says and does.

Words he can say:

Mama

Daddy

No-no-no (with scolding finger)

Dooooon-toukk (Don't touch)

Jjsh (juice)

Hi-eee (Hi)

Bah-Bah (Bye-bye)

Ni-Ni (Night-night)

dawh (dog) (The woof-woof sound shortly follows)

duh (duck - not so good at the execution of this animal sound, but he does try)

DAH-duh (Jackson)

Ow!

Whoa!

YAAAY! (with clapping)

Peeeee (Please)

Mooh (More, which he can also sign)

Tanka (comes out throaty at the end -Thank you)

He can also fold his arms for prayer on demand, give a scolding finger with the no-no, show you where his hair and nose are (and other parts of face on a good day), and he is starting to sing what sounds like the Alphabet song. He can tell you the sounds that a car, a dog, a cat (MEEEE-OOOOW, super dramatic), and a cow make. He gives hugs and kisses with sound effects, too.

But my favorite thing is how much he LOOVES his brother Jackson. If Sam is awake and running around, you can always find him following close behind Jackson. If Jackson plays with blocks, Sam is, too. If Jackson watches a movie, Sam does, too. If Jackson is playing Nintendo (or trying to), Sam is sitting there holding the spare controller, too.

...Like a Mustard Seed

Sometimes I am so prideful that when I hear the phrase, "Have Faith," I just get so frustrated.

What if I am doing the absolute best I can to be right with the Lord, and I fervently pray about something, and I feel like the Lord is pleased with me, but then signs in my life point to otherwise?

I really need a couple of changes to occur in my life, and they just aren't happening; things that will very soon be very detrimental to my family and my daily life. I keep trying and trying on my end, and I feel like I am pushing against a brick wall. Nothing is happening, so I pray and pray harder, and I focus more on being righteous, but still...nothing. Today, out of a complete loss at what to do and total frustration of how I handled a situation, I decided to just sit down and open my scriptures and just read until I felt inspired with an answer. So I randomly opened my scriptures and found Matthew Ch 17. When I got to the verse where the apostles asked the Lord, "Why could we not cast him out? referring to their attempt to cast a devil out of a crazy child, I thought of "Lord, why am I not being successful at getting this change made in my life?" and I felt that the answer was in the next verse. I'm sure you know it. "And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you."

Argh! I DO have faith!! I mean, I know the Lord will answer my prayer, and that it may not be the answer I want, but what does that mean? That doesn't tell me what to do!? That I just sit here and wait? Doing nothing? And my problem will just be fixed? Or keep trying and trying, getting nowhere, meanwhile, instead of moving forward, I'm being pushed backwards by some invisible force until I am looking over the cliff I am about to fall over!? I just keep telling myself that the Lord knows how much I can handle, so even if I think I can't handle it, and might go crazy, He will take care of me, but I'm just such a dang control freak, that I admit I am panicking a little!! I feel like I am already walking through the valley of the shadow of death, how much closer to I have to get before I lose it!?

I want to go home. I miss my family. I know they would help me if they could. I don't want to be an adult anymore. Can I close my eyes and be a teenager again, like this is all a bad dream!? I promise that I'll be good this time, and I'll be the sweetest to my mother who I was so horrible to!! I'll be the best example to my little sister and brother...let me try that whole teenager thing again and then maybe I'll be a little better prepared to be an adult woman on my own. Are there do-overs? :)

POTTY-TRAINED!!

...And we are officially POTTY TRAINED! Fully. Yes, that's right. He pooped. and pooped. and pooped again.

So now we can pee-pee in the potty. Sleep in underwear at night and at naptime with no accidents. (That has actually never been an issue, thankfully.) And now we can poop. Okay, so I have always been able to do that, lol, so when I say we, I really mean Jackson...:)

I have definitely been taught a lesson here, and that is that nothing is too small to pray about. I had thought it was too trivial for prayer, and although it has been a major struggle in our lives now for months, I kept trying to handle it on my own. Finally, Jackson and I both came to a traumatizing point in the potty training process, and we both added it to our prayers, and I guess that was all the Lord needed. Less than a week later, Jackson has absolutely no fear about pooping in the potty.

Strangely, the first time he was successful was while we were on our family camping trip. He really wanted his bb gun that his Papa De had brought for a present (Don't even get me started on that...picture fumes coming out of my ears...nuff said), so I told him that I would only get it down for him if he would go poo poo on the potty Daddy had built for us at our cabin. (It was a potty seat attached to a metal chair frame - rustic, but better than being in the very vulnerable position of squatting in the dark, praying fervently that the slight brush against your naked bum was a mischievous plant blowing in the wind.) Anyway...you never saw a person get up on a potty and push one out so fast! So of course, we praised him. And praised him. And praised him. We gave him candy, toys, and...grrr... the promised gun. And he got to play with it (unloaded, safety on, and with me and Daddy within arms reach) for a few minutes until he smacked his brother in the head, and then I snatched it back, and then out of sight and out of reach it returned.

We wondered if that experience would transfer, and the first day back at home he was't interested, but when we reminded him about his gun, we have had no problems since. Every day since we have been back, he has made a bowel movement. No constipation, no tears, no turmoil. At this point, if I had to dip a little into redneckville to acheive said status, then so be it!! Actually, I have been fairly successful at distracting him from the gun reward and giving himcandy or toy rewards instead. After a 2 week period, I hope to remove all treats and we'll just have a completely potty-independent kid!