Sometimes I am so prideful that when I hear the phrase, "Have Faith," I just get so frustrated.
What if I am doing the absolute best I can to be right with the Lord, and I fervently pray about something, and I feel like the Lord is pleased with me, but then signs in my life point to otherwise?
I really need a couple of changes to occur in my life, and they just aren't happening; things that will very soon be very detrimental to my family and my daily life. I keep trying and trying on my end, and I feel like I am pushing against a brick wall. Nothing is happening, so I pray and pray harder, and I focus more on being righteous, but still...nothing. Today, out of a complete loss at what to do and total frustration of how I handled a situation, I decided to just sit down and open my scriptures and just read until I felt inspired with an answer. So I randomly opened my scriptures and found Matthew Ch 17. When I got to the verse where the apostles asked the Lord, "Why could we not cast him out? referring to their attempt to cast a devil out of a crazy child, I thought of "Lord, why am I not being successful at getting this change made in my life?" and I felt that the answer was in the next verse. I'm sure you know it. "And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you."
Argh! I DO have faith!! I mean, I know the Lord will answer my prayer, and that it may not be the answer I want, but what does that mean? That doesn't tell me what to do!? That I just sit here and wait? Doing nothing? And my problem will just be fixed? Or keep trying and trying, getting nowhere, meanwhile, instead of moving forward, I'm being pushed backwards by some invisible force until I am looking over the cliff I am about to fall over!? I just keep telling myself that the Lord knows how much I can handle, so even if I think I can't handle it, and might go crazy, He will take care of me, but I'm just such a dang control freak, that I admit I am panicking a little!! I feel like I am already walking through the valley of the shadow of death, how much closer to I have to get before I lose it!?
I want to go home. I miss my family. I know they would help me if they could. I don't want to be an adult anymore. Can I close my eyes and be a teenager again, like this is all a bad dream!? I promise that I'll be good this time, and I'll be the sweetest to my mother who I was so horrible to!! I'll be the best example to my little sister and brother...let me try that whole teenager thing again and then maybe I'll be a little better prepared to be an adult woman on my own. Are there do-overs? :)