The musings of ME:
SAH mother of 3 kids, spouse of a doctor-in-residency, caretaker and teacher of random children.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

...Like a Mustard Seed

Sometimes I am so prideful that when I hear the phrase, "Have Faith," I just get so frustrated.

What if I am doing the absolute best I can to be right with the Lord, and I fervently pray about something, and I feel like the Lord is pleased with me, but then signs in my life point to otherwise?

I really need a couple of changes to occur in my life, and they just aren't happening; things that will very soon be very detrimental to my family and my daily life. I keep trying and trying on my end, and I feel like I am pushing against a brick wall. Nothing is happening, so I pray and pray harder, and I focus more on being righteous, but still...nothing. Today, out of a complete loss at what to do and total frustration of how I handled a situation, I decided to just sit down and open my scriptures and just read until I felt inspired with an answer. So I randomly opened my scriptures and found Matthew Ch 17. When I got to the verse where the apostles asked the Lord, "Why could we not cast him out? referring to their attempt to cast a devil out of a crazy child, I thought of "Lord, why am I not being successful at getting this change made in my life?" and I felt that the answer was in the next verse. I'm sure you know it. "And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you."

Argh! I DO have faith!! I mean, I know the Lord will answer my prayer, and that it may not be the answer I want, but what does that mean? That doesn't tell me what to do!? That I just sit here and wait? Doing nothing? And my problem will just be fixed? Or keep trying and trying, getting nowhere, meanwhile, instead of moving forward, I'm being pushed backwards by some invisible force until I am looking over the cliff I am about to fall over!? I just keep telling myself that the Lord knows how much I can handle, so even if I think I can't handle it, and might go crazy, He will take care of me, but I'm just such a dang control freak, that I admit I am panicking a little!! I feel like I am already walking through the valley of the shadow of death, how much closer to I have to get before I lose it!?

I want to go home. I miss my family. I know they would help me if they could. I don't want to be an adult anymore. Can I close my eyes and be a teenager again, like this is all a bad dream!? I promise that I'll be good this time, and I'll be the sweetest to my mother who I was so horrible to!! I'll be the best example to my little sister and brother...let me try that whole teenager thing again and then maybe I'll be a little better prepared to be an adult woman on my own. Are there do-overs? :)


Tina said...

Oh Colleen!! My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you are struggling right now- I'm right there with ya!
I hope you can find that peace you need. I found mine through the conference talks and with one specifically by Elder Holland called, "Good things will come". It's from like 11 years ago but it still applies and it has made all the difference. Hope it helps!!
I guess this week is a little hairy for Tyler with school so we may need to find a couple of hours on the weekend to go do something!

marcia@joyismygoal said...

Ok this faith thing is the hardest thing it has been the hardest all my life but the past few years I have FINALLY learned if I want to control it-- Heavenly Father can't So i am trying COmplete Obedience--I still do my best to work hard at what I need help w/but i quit stressing over it because what I did finally learn two Major things Worry is my lack of Faith and I CANNOT change anyone but ME. It has taken me 40 some years to get to this point I so hope for you to get there sooner than I did

Shana said...

I so hear what you are saying. I have felt like I've needed a major "do-over" in my early adult years as well. I would have done SO many things differently.
But on the other hand- those things that I (and you) went through, made us into who we are today. I know I am much stronger and much firmer in my testimony because of the hard things I went through. If I never would have known true sorrow, I might not know how important and wonderful true happiness really is.
I'm sorry for your struggles right now. You are never alone in them. You are a wonderful and strong daughter of God. Chin up my friend! Hugs!

Kirsten said...

I completey know how you're feeling! It's the hardest thing for me to not have a plan..... to trust and have faith..... in people & situations & to know that somehow it always ends up working out & my prayers are eventually answered. But what's that phrase in the Temple... "sorrow & joy, pain & pleasure, good & evil"... (sorry, it's been while for reasons that go along with this comment). You would not know the joy you have in your boys NOW if you had not suffered through the pain earlier in your life!!
All I know is that, along with that Marcia chick, if I try to control it then Heavenly Father can't!! And I am ALWAYS in better care when he's in control!! He see's te hole in the bridge.... when all I can see is a way to get to the other side! I am relieved to tell you that I can see the light at the end of my tunnel... if you'd asked me a year ago I would've be in complete darkness!!! Hang in there, PRAY PRAY PRAY!!! Don't tell yourself you have faith so that something will happen.... just BELIEVE and press onward.... and the RIGHT ending will happen before you ever even expect it!! If you need to talk you have my # AND my email :) luvs!!