Do you ever have days where you just feel...inadequate? This blog is going to be for me. Sometimes I use this blog as more of a forum to get my thoughts out. I have always loved to write. So if you don't want to hear my personal thoughts, then move on.
I am socially handicapped.
I can write a great story, sing a beautiful song to myself at top level in my car alone, and I can be the most captivating educator, jumping on tables to get my students' attention, but when it comes to meeting and making conversation with adult people, I am absolutely retarded.
People who've actually gotten past that awkwardness of my reclusive barrier and become friends with me have told me stories about what their first impressions were of me, and it makes me angry with myself. One friend recounted when she first met me and we were on a lunch break at a new teacher orientation, I sang "Redneck Woman" in the car loudly. I recall that occasion. I had been determined to "not care what people thought of me" and "be myself." What a dork. She must have thought I had a screw loose! Some other people in our last ward that Ben home taught told him that they thought I was snobby (yes, they actually said that to my husband!) because I never spoke to anyone at church. Little did they know it is because I am petrified of interacting with people I don't know well.
Sidenote - how did I marry such an outgoing guy, when I am so shy?? How did he even notice me!? Why did he continue dating me? I was not only shy then, but getting over a brutal divorce. I was such a mess!
This is why I was such a dork in high school. I always sit there hero-worshipping other people for their admirable qualities, and I am so afraid that I won't measure up, that I don't speak! Every time I start a new job or move, I have to go through it all over again. I WANT to get to know people, and have friends, but I can't make myself get up off my butt and get out of my comfort zone and TALK to them or GO to the activities. Or if I do, I spend the whole rest of the day feeling like an idiot because of one little thing I said that might not have been quite right or wondering over and over how I came across to that person.
I am the only crazy person who does this? Why can I not be secure in myself enough to just be ME when I am around other people and TALK and LAUGH and let people get to know me!!?? AAAAHHHH!
Thank you to all of my friends. Thanks for being patient with my strange silence, and not thinking I was a snob (maybe you did at first). Thanks for taking the time to get to know me. I'm sorry it was probably a hard task. I hope you are enjoying our friendship. I know I am! I have some of the best friends. You listen, we laugh, we have so much in common. I miss you all every day and when I am struggling to make new friends in this new place I'm living now, I think of you and miss your companionship all the time!
Moral of this story: I'm a loser. You guys are awesome. I wish I could more lke you all!
P.S. I'm already second-guessing posting this blog...