The musings of ME:
SAH mother of 3 kids, spouse of a doctor-in-residency, caretaker and teacher of random children.


Saturday, July 12, 2008

Introspective

Do you ever have days where you just feel...inadequate? This blog is going to be for me. Sometimes I use this blog as more of a forum to get my thoughts out. I have always loved to write. So if you don't want to hear my personal thoughts, then move on.

I am socially handicapped.

I can write a great story, sing a beautiful song to myself at top level in my car alone, and I can be the most captivating educator, jumping on tables to get my students' attention, but when it comes to meeting and making conversation with adult people, I am absolutely retarded.

People who've actually gotten past that awkwardness of my reclusive barrier and become friends with me have told me stories about what their first impressions were of me, and it makes me angry with myself. One friend recounted when she first met me and we were on a lunch break at a new teacher orientation, I sang "Redneck Woman" in the car loudly. I recall that occasion. I had been determined to "not care what people thought of me" and "be myself." What a dork. She must have thought I had a screw loose! Some other people in our last ward that Ben home taught told him that they thought I was snobby (yes, they actually said that to my husband!) because I never spoke to anyone at church. Little did they know it is because I am petrified of interacting with people I don't know well.

Sidenote - how did I marry such an outgoing guy, when I am so shy?? How did he even notice me!? Why did he continue dating me? I was not only shy then, but getting over a brutal divorce. I was such a mess!

This is why I was such a dork in high school. I always sit there hero-worshipping other people for their admirable qualities, and I am so afraid that I won't measure up, that I don't speak! Every time I start a new job or move, I have to go through it all over again. I WANT to get to know people, and have friends, but I can't make myself get up off my butt and get out of my comfort zone and TALK to them or GO to the activities. Or if I do, I spend the whole rest of the day feeling like an idiot because of one little thing I said that might not have been quite right or wondering over and over how I came across to that person.

I am the only crazy person who does this? Why can I not be secure in myself enough to just be ME when I am around other people and TALK and LAUGH and let people get to know me!!?? AAAAHHHH!

Thank you to all of my friends. Thanks for being patient with my strange silence, and not thinking I was a snob (maybe you did at first). Thanks for taking the time to get to know me. I'm sorry it was probably a hard task. I hope you are enjoying our friendship. I know I am! I have some of the best friends. You listen, we laugh, we have so much in common. I miss you all every day and when I am struggling to make new friends in this new place I'm living now, I think of you and miss your companionship all the time!

Moral of this story: I'm a loser. You guys are awesome. I wish I could more lke you all!

P.S. I'm already second-guessing posting this blog...

10 comments:

Robin said...

I know how you feel. Its tough to put yourself out there. But remember we are all like that in someway or another... Thanks for sharing. Have a good day.

Kathy said...

You need to give yourself more credit. You are a great friend.

marcia said...

Ahhww I never thought you looked aloof or even shy ,cause you always smile-- it takes over a year to make soild connections ina new place and it can be tough just br kind to your self and I miss book club --I enjoyed talking to you there

The Tall and Short of it said...

Snob is a word I would NOT use to describe you!! I totally feel that you have a warm feel to you. I had fun yesterday and YOU were a part of that! I think all of us, girls anyway, are so hard on themselves! We each have something to add! That is what makes our ward so fantastic!!!!! If we were all the same it would be BORING!
I know that I am thankful for you! Plus you have GREAT hair! I love it. You should be proud of being YOU! I know I am a dork sometime but I have fun and just TRY to enjoy life!!
I am proud of you for posting this! I just started blogging not too long ago and I love it! It feels good to get out your thoughts. I love getting comments from others too! I like to think that people, FRIENDS, comment and this means they love me. They took time out of their day to say something about ME!! To respond to me and my thoughts! See, we are all special! Now I am the fourth person who thinks you are special just in one day! Ok I am going to stop from going on and on and on!!!!!

Colleen said...

Angela you are hilarious! I had fun just LISTENING to you and your friend (I'm embarrassed I don't know her name) at Holly's shower Saturday. And thanks for the hair compliment, lol...

Ben keeps telling me secrets on how to be myself. He says the number one thing is that you have to do is just not care what everyone else thinks of you. That would be so freeing. How do people acheive this??

You know what bothers me most? When I know someone doesn't like me. I know of one person (at least) who doesn't care for me much and it is for something that has nothing to do with me or my personality. It is so frustrating because at this point there isn't much I can do to change her mind. She has made up her mind she doesn't like me, and no matter what I do or say, she still treats me the same. It eats me alive, and the worst part is I have to pretend that it doesn't bother me at all!

Thank you Kathy, you are a great friend, too. I admire your compassion for other people and the obvious strong relationship you have with Heavenly Father. I think you are a great person and there are so many ways I wish I were more like you. Like for one, being able to teach Sunday School every Sunday! I taugh Relief Society for a month and cried all the way home every Sunday, lol! I can't do it! It is too much stress for me!

Thanks to everyone for the reassuring comments. It made me feel better. Hopefully, you didn't feel that the tone of my blog was asking for compliments. It was only my intention to vent, not fish for compliments.

Shana said...

You are a great friend and one I am so happy to have.
I never thought you were snobbish or socially awkward. Maybe because when we met, I was coming from the same kind of place you were, so I thought you were completely normal. :)
Anyway, whoever said that they thought you were snobbish...well, they aren't very good at reading other people, and that it their problem.
About your little sidenote- I think Ben noticed you and fell in love with you for the qualities he doesn't have. We all seem to attract people that are our opposites. That way, we help balance each other out. Ben helps you jump out of your comfort zone more, and you help reel Ben back in when he has jumped out too far at times. :) It is a match made from heaven.
Don't change you...I love ya just how you are!

I have a good life said...

Hey...I think you are awesome...and I never even guessed that you were shy! You hide it well. I have very often wished that we had the opportunity to get to know each other better...I think we have so much in common! :)

Thanks for posting this...I always feel so awkward and inept and very much like a dork...I'm glad that I'm not the only one.

nikko said...

You're not the only one who feels like a dork. ;o)

I did alot of being a wallflower in high school. It seems like as I get older I grow out of it more and more.

Hugs!

txmommy said...

I'm late to jump on here but I wanted to say that I have noticed that you were quiet, but also sooo sweet and you have such a nice smile and always seem to genuinely care about people. Ethan has loved having you as his teacher and I think you are awesome. I hope we have a chance to become better friends.

I think everyone feels ackward about themselves and has times when they don't know what to say. I know I do.

Mark and Melissa Taylor said...

You are so funny. Morgan would tell me stories about things you would do in class, and I wouldn't believe them because I didn't see that side of you - I guess I understand now. The good thing about your husband is that he compliments your personality - I have the same thing in my husband. Everyone is different, and that is a good thing. For me, I act like a dork all the time (even in front of adults). Believe me, it's not always the best thing. I cannot tell you how many times I have acted the fool in front of an "imortant person" and had to live with the regret. I wish I had a little of your shyness!! But, if you are like me, the older you get, the less likely you are to care what others think of you. The key is to be happy with who YOU know you are rather than what other think you are! For what it's worth, I think you're great.