The musings of ME:
SAH mother of 3 kids, spouse of a doctor-in-residency, caretaker and teacher of random children.

Monday, September 14, 2009


Last night my boys teamed up on me all night long. Jackson has an ear infection, I think, so he woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. Then Samson woke up twice to eat when he had been sleeping up to 7 hours last week. It is so frustrating to backslide in that department. I got very little sleep as a result. I accidentally slept in and then didn't get to fully pump before my kids started coming.

Plus, I am very upset because I have been pumping so much that my milk supply is very little and Sam is fussy all the time because he is hungry. This weekend I had to start supplementing with formula.

I have been wondering if the economy would hit my business and it looks like it is starting to. I didn't get full enrollment as I had hoped, so I can't afford Mrs. Olivia to come help me right now. On top of low enrollment, in the last 2 weeks I have lost/had to dismiss one child due to discipline problems and another's father's hours got cut back at work and he can no longer afford me full-time so he switched to part-time. I now have 4.5 spots open that I need to fill if we aren't going to take out any more student loans.

Today I am feeling like a failure. I'm feeling like all the balls I have been trying to juggle are falling down around me. I need to share my stress with someone, but I hesitate to admit it because I feel like there are those who are happy to see that I can't handle it all.

OR...maybe I'm just feeling depressed because of the endless rain we have been having and lack of sleep. Maybe things will turn around. It isn't the end of the world if I have to quit nursing and it isn't the end of the world if we have to take out more loans, it just wasn't our Plan A. I guess sometimes you have to be happy with your Plan B. *Slap* Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Colleen, and get up and do something about it!! lol


Holly said...

sorry to hear that you think there are people out there that want you to fail..You hit the nail on the head when you said it isnt the end of the world if you have to stop nursing or take out more student loans. It's hard to not care about how others will view our decisions, but eventually you'll have to. You're just starting to go down the long tunnel that is the second half of med school, take every shortcut you can to help you get through, be it taking another loan to relieve some financial stress or stop nursing to free up some time. It may not be ideal, but when you may find its worth it to maintain some sanity for the long haul. Sorry you're struggling. Call me if you need to, I'll listen and not dish out any more unsolicited advice!

Jay said...

The rain, the lack of sleep, the little sick guys will turn into sunshine, more sleep ??, and happy boys who will always adore their'll get better, but dang! those clouds can be heavy and dark. I'm sending you a rainbow of happiness!

Kathy said...

you are not a failure, none of us are. Just remember you are a daughter of God and many people including the Lord care about you. I agree with Holly, make what ever sacrifice you have to to make life more bearable. You will get through it.

nikko said...

As women and mothers we juggle so many balls all the time -- it's only inevitable that once in a while they fall down. All of them or some of them.

You have a lot on your plate and I think you should cut yourself some slack! :o) :o) :o) Hope you find some happiness and smiles today!

Kirsten said...

you are not a failure!! I felt this same way about a month ago (I was not being delt ANY of the cards I thought were in MY deck!!)
And I finally just remembered that God only tests me with what he knows I can ultimately handle! Everything I knew was being tested, from all directions - just keep on keepin on, pray EVEN harder for things you don't think you should pray for :) and I'll pray for you as well :) LUV YA GIRL!!

I have a good life said...

Yuck. Sorry to hear about the blues. You are so strong. You will work it out. But, you know know it will be okay, but it is the getting from here to there. I understand how you feel. You are I are so much alike. When I feel like all the balls are dropping, I feel like a failure, too. Fact is, however, neither of us are. Call me sometime and we'll do lunch. Girls' time always helps with the blues! :)