Should I Be Worried?

I'm not. These pictures were taken at the 2nd annual BILC Back-to-School BBQ at our house the weekend before school started. The girls were playing with the dress up clothes and Jackson brought Ben a dress and said "Help me, please." Ben said no. So he came to me and I helped him put it on. I mean, who cares, right? HE just wanted to play what the girls were playing. He likes to try on all the dress up clothes, masks and hats. I say, let him explore. Let him be a kid. It makes for a cute picture anyway...

Nursing Woes

I have been trying to continue nursing Sam at least until he is 6 months old. This is a challenge now that my school has opened up because I can't nurse in front of the kids and right now I can't afford help because I don't have the enrollment to support it. So right now, I wake up with Sam at 5 am, feed him, then pump at 7:00 right before my kids get here. Then I can't pump again till naptime at 1:00 and then again after dinner around 7ish. Each time I pump I only get about 6-8 oz because I am not pumping enough and my body thinks Sam isn't eating as much when in reality my 15 pound chunk 3.5 month old baby is now eating 6-8 oz every 3-4 hours. I am rapidly running out of my frozen breast milk supply. To make matters worse, today I am suffering from a UTI and I was in such pain, I woke up at 4:30am and have been up ever since. I broke down and had to take a Cystex for the pain, which goes through to Sam through my breastmilk. I nursed him at 5, then pumped at 7 right before I took it, then at naptime I had to dump all the milk I pumped down the drain! I felt physically ill (and not from the UTI, lol)!! That stuff is like liquid gold right now and I watched 8 oz of precious milk just get wasted down the drain! AAAHHH! I'm not going to make it!!

Labor Day weekend (Whoo hoo!)

We celebrated Jack's birthday on Friday with a Backyardigans themed party. It was during the school day since our unit last week was birthdays and most of his friends are my preschoolers. We invited a few outside friends, too. I made a Pablo cake and he got really excited. He kept saying, "I want Pablo" because he didn't quite get that it was cake and not a toy for him to play with, but once I cut it up, he got the hang of it. From us, Jackson got a t-ball set, a tricycle, some Living scripture DVDs and a Tyrone beanie baby. He LOVES his tricycle and his Tyrone the best, I think. We gave him the tricycle on Monday night on his actual birthday when Ben got home from the hospital. It was late so he kinda had to open his presents and then go take a bath and go to bed, but the first thing out of his mouth on Tues a.m. was "I wanna ride my BI-sikko, Mama." Literally. The first thing. No good morning. Nothing. Then on Friday I gave him the Tyrone beanie baby with the Backyardigans party and he carried it aroudn all day. He put "Kyrone" in the stroller. "Kyrone shopping." He put Tyrone in his seat in the kitchen. "Ky-rone is HUN-gry, Mama." Tyrone rode his bicycle. Tyrone laid on his side ("Ky-rone is berry tired, Mama.") At naptime he wanted to sleep with Tyrone. It was fun to see him so excited. All summer we have been going to birthday parties and he is starting to get what they are all about, so to watch him realize and get excited that it was his turn was really cute! He loed it when everyone sang happy birthday and on MOnday when we had our own little family party and he opened all his presents, he clapped his hands excitedly and said, "YYEAHHH! Happy Birthday!!!"


Well, I didn't get to go to Tulsa to see my mom like I had planned. On Friday I was so tired after a long week of being a "single mom" since Ben started internal medicine last week, so I decided to finish packing and clean the house on Fri night because Ben's brother and his family were coming to stay in our house while we were gone (Ben went on the annual Labor Day dove hunt). I planned to leave early Sat morning, but when I got up, got the boys fed, and loaded up the car, I realized that the DVD player wasn't working in my car. Jackson is unbearable on long car trips without it, and I wasn't about to take him 5 hours to Tulsa and then 5 hours back with no entertainment and have to deal with what that would mean for me all by myself. No thanks!! I really wanted to see my mom , but I will see her in two weeks when I go to Tulsa to be in the Race for the Cure. (Did I blog that she was rediagnosed with cancer? This time it is in her lungs and a few other places. Although they found it in several places, all the spots are small. She started chemo again about 3 weeks ago.) Plus, if I didn't leave until Sat morning and had to be back by Monday morning (I had so much to do to get ready for this week. one woman show, remember?), it kinda took away the reason I was going - to spend a long weekend with her.

So...at the last minute I decided to go spend the weekend with my aunt and best friend, Sara. She has 2 grandchildren ages 4 and now 1, and Levi's birthday party was this weekend. Jackson loves to go play with Keagan and "Bebi." We had planned on going until I realized that my Tulsa trip and the birthday party were the same weekend. We already had all our stuff in teh car, so we just went to Sara's instead. Sara and I did some shopping and then headed over to the birhtday party.




The next day was Levi's baptism at Suncreek First United Methodist Church in Allen, TX. I really enjoyed what I heard of the sermon. It was basically about not multi-tasking our lives and taking time for Christ. That was a message I always need to be reminded of! Jackson was rotten in church, as usual. At one point, the choir had just finished singing this beautiful song accompanied by a French Horn, and right after when it was so quiet and everyone was just feeling the Spirit, my son yelled out "YYYYEEEAAAAHHHH!" and started clapping. The whole entire congregation started laughing, including me, although I wanted to die! Okay so it was funny, but I took him out shortly after that, as Suncreek has a nursery class during the sermon. I was grateful for that because usually I have Ben next to me to take him out when we are at our church. I was getting tired of wrestling him all through the sermon!

Today Ben and I were both home and he let me sleep in, went to the grocery store with me, made me lunch (burgers on the grill - YUM) and then gave me some time alone to get out and run some errands and do some shopping for myself, which I never get to do alone anymore. It was so nice!

Thank you

I've had a problem lately. Solving it was going to be tricky, and in order to solve it I was going to have to do something I am not good at and something I really, really didn't want to do.

So last night I prayed that I wouldn't have to do it, that everything would just work out and I could avoid facing my problem. Isn't that a pansy way to handle a situation? I know, I know, but I am such a wuss about this type of problem. Well, today, my problem did not go away. It actually was made much worse. But instead of stressing out and getting upset like I normally do, I had a surreal sense of peace in the moment. I handled the situation in a way that I never thought I was able to do and I handled it well. It may not be over, but so far, I faced it. I'm proud of myself, but most of all, I'm grateful that the Lord answers prayers the way he sees fit. He makes us into stronger people and lightens our burdens instead of allowing to shrink away from responsibility. Thank you, Lord.

Update: TODAY (9/1) I got to avoid the ongoing problem, but I'll have to face it again tomorrow. At least I got today off, because so far this day has been madness. Jackson is still coughing and today he was inches from a coughing turned puking fit all over me and Samson who was strapped to my chest. Thankfully he did it in the kitchen where I could mop up, and only sprayed himself, so I only had to strip him down and give him a bath while the kids watched the pre-nap movie. Please, please let them all sleep today! Please, please let Jackson not wake up with another coughing/throwing up fit...

Fun and Sickness

This was actually taken in July, but I thought it was a cute picture of Jack.

Tonight we had a $5 buy-in Texas Hold 'Em tournament at my house with a few friends. We normally don't play for money, but when you play for a pot, people play less aggressively and more serious and it is just more fun. We had a great time laughing and telling stories, and guess what? I won! Since there were 6 of us, I won $30, and we had put together a little basket of goodies, and Ben had the idea to include a certificate for a 30 minute foot massage from the losing partner of the couple for the winning partner, so he now owes me a massage, too! That is the part I am most excited about!! ;)

However, Jackson has been sick since Thursday. He started with a low grade fever and no other symptoms, but overnight he developed a nasty croupy cough. Ben said although he sounds bad, he just has a virus and he has to get better on his own. We kept an eye on him all day yesterday, and did Motrin and cold mist treatments every few hours and this morning he seemed better. It was all we could do to get him to quit running around the house and rest! He didn't take a long nap though because he has a hard time breathing well when he is lying down. Tonight we put him to bed at 8:30, but he woke up at 10:30 and again at 12:45 am right after all our friends left. When Ben listened to his chest the second time, he said he wasn't moving much air, so he decided to take him to the hospital. So here I am, home with Sam, unable to sleep for worry. I know how scary it can be to not be able to breathe as I stuggled with childhood asthma when I was growing up. It breaks my heart, and I am kinda wishing I woke Sam up and went with them now just to be there, but the last thing we need is for Sam to catch something, too. I'm keeping a close eye on him to make sure he doesn't come down with croup, too.

It has been so nice having Ben home so much this weekend. He took care of Jack all night last night and most of this morning, and I only had to get up with Sam (still nursing at night at least once). I even got to sleep in until 10:30, which I needed after a long first week of school. I don't know what I'll do next week if Jack is still sick on Monday. I'll need to keep him away from the other kids since he is contagious, but Mrs. Olivia is still out of town for her daughter's wedding and can't come sub for me. Ben won't be able to help me because he starts his rotation in Internal Medicine on Monday. Plus, Jack's birthday is on Monday, and I was going to throw him a little birthday party during the school day, but I'm not ready for it and I think Jack is too sick for it, so I think I'll wait until Friday.

Anyway, I'm sad that Jack is so sick, but I'm so grateful for the timing of it, that Ben was able to be here and help me know what to do and help me take care of all my responsibilities with a sick kid. He is such a great man and I am grateful for his knowledge and leadership in our family.

Rainbow (dedicated to Good Life)

About a week after I had Sam, somwhere in the beginning of June, we had this mild storm. After the storm, I headed out to return some books at the library and when I pulled out of my driveway, this is what I saw. I was struck with the clarity of the rainbow and don't know if this picture does it justice, but I was also impressed with how it framed my house perfectly.

It has stuck in my mind ever since.

I interpreted it as my personal rainbow. It means that the Lord is pleased with me, and I won't ever have to go through the same trials I have already been through again. After I posted my birthday post, I realized I should have included this picture. So here it is. Cool, huh?

Seasons

Today I am 30.

Lately I have been doing a lot of reflecting on who I am today and how I came to be that person. I am grateful for seasons of life because they help you grow, make you stronger (even when you thought you were strong enough), and teach you to appreciate things you have and just to be alive everyday.

I am glad to be 30. This is a great season of life. I have 2 beautiful boys, a loving husband who works so hard for us, we have absolutely no credit card debt or other major debts hanging over our heads (except for the ever-accruing school loans, haha, oh, and of course, our home & one car), we have more than what we need even in a dwindling economy, and we are all very healthy. I am happy, very happy, and there was a time when I thought I never would be.

I actually thought I'd never get married again, never have kids, never get out of debt, etc, etc, etc. I was MISERABLE. I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live. How sad that a person in their 20's with so much life left to live couldn't be happy. All I could do was sit around and feel sorry for myself and count all the ways that my life sucked. That was not a fun season. I'm glad it is over, but I'm also glad (in some ways) that I went through it. I learned how to love and respect myself and others, and to marry someone who was a good decision with my head and my heart. I learned patience, and how to be a good teacher, which taught me how to be a good mother. I learned to take care of my body, not to abuse it and that health is a blessing and not to take it for granted. I learned to set goals for myself and keep my standards. I learned that happiness is a verb. It is something you have to earn for youself, not something you just get from alcohol, a cigarette, junk food or a man. I learned that if you want to be happy, you can find directions in the scriptures and from our prophets, and that it really isn't as fleeting or complicated as we think it is.

How glad I am not to be in that place anymore. So today I am grateful for the chance to grow and change and learn. I am happy to be 30 and look forward to facing new seasons, no matter what they may bring.